I think a weekly blog isn't enough! I have so many experiences, that I wish to share with the blogosphere. However, my profession requires alot of paperwork, and I can't rationalize blogging more than once a week.
This week, I had a bit of a snafu (is that how you spell it?) with my hubby. I won't disclose specific details. I don't believe in airing out dirty laundry, and inviting thirsty heifers into my marriage. However, this snafu got me thinking about love, marriage, and kids. I know hubby, and I are considered novices when it comes to marriage. However, it pisses me off when people that have been married 10 years+ brush away our issues because we haven't been married long. Um excuse me, were you not married for 4 years at some point? Everyone had to start at the very beginning. Shoutout to all of us that have been married for less than 10 years, and are doing what we can to make it work.
Back when Hubby, and I were just dating, we always talked about marriage. We had this great plan where I would graduate from school, work for a year, and then he would "surprise" me by popping the question. All of that went down the drain, when I got pregnant after only reconciling our relationship 3 weeks prior. Hubby's catholic parents wanted us to get married before we had our beloved Dari. I however, was against it. I felt like we had just gotten back together, and we had serious issues to work out before we could consider marriage. I wasn't about to drag our dead weight into a marriage. I didn't, and still don't care what anyone thinks about that. Hubby proposed to me when I was 7 months pregnant. It was very sweet, and cliche. He took me out to eat, and then proposed on the beach with candles, and everything. I remember the cops stopped next to us, and told us we weren't allowed to have open alcohol on the beach. I remember saying something like " I wish it was alcohol, but I'm 7 months pregnant. It's sparkling cider.". The cops finally realized what was going on, and drove off. We got married when our Dari was 5 months old. I just remember being so happy with our life, and thinking "why aren't we married?". I told hubby it's time to set aside some time to apply for a marriage license. We got married at the courts, a few weeks after that. It was small, and simple. We went to a photo studio, and took pictures afterwards. We also had a intimate dinner for close family, and friends at an awesome italian restaurant. Would I have wanted a wedding? Yes.. But marriage is more important.
Since getting married, I have changed alot. I often wonder how different things would have been, if we were married a few years before we started having kids. We came into this marriage as parents. That immediately changes the dynamic of a marriage. You have to work harder at your individual relationship with your partner. My life was so easily consumed by my Dari. He was, and still is our everything. Everything we did revolved around him. I think if we had even a year to ourselves to solidify our new relationship as husband, and wife, it would have made a difference. Instead, we were trying to find our groove as legal partners, while raising an infant. That's hardwork. Looking back, I can reflect on how it all played out. I'm not saying that I was miserable. I'm saying that we needed to work extra hard for our marriage, and I'm not sure we did..initially! I think overtime, as parenting became second nature, it allowed us breathing room to work on our connection with one another. Marriage is work but marriage is also about love. I suppose that not all marriages are love based, but mines is :).
After we got married, the dynamics of my relationships with my friends changed as well. I lost some friends after I became a parent, and I lost some after I got married. I was sad about it for awhile, but I realized that part of moving forward, is leaving people behind. For the friends that still remained, they proved themselves loyal, and true. However, it was just different. I remember how career oriented I used to be. I always knew I wanted to have a family, but I wasn't stressing it at that time. My friends and I were all about making connections, doing internships, and whatever else we needed to do to get ahead in my field. When I got pregnant with Dari, all of that changed for me...but my friends stayed the same. It took me awhile to realize that I had changed. My career was no longer my sole concern. I was growing a human being in my uterus! How amazing is that?? I felt like my world had stopped, but everyone kept moving forward. Once I found my joy in being a parent, that feeling slowly went away. I actually feel sorry for some of my friends, because it's hard to slow down and enjoy the ride. I feel that being surprised with Darien was Jehovah's way of gifting me with an amazing life. I'm also sooo thankful that I am not an old mom. I may, or may not have a 3rd child, but I can be happy with 2. Two kids that I had in my 20's! A personal goal of mine. To each its own.
I totally got off topic. I wanted to talk about how my hubby started asking me if I would be willing to go shopping for couple friends that are married. All of a sudden, hubby wanted to double date with people he knew, or met that were married. Initially, I was turned off. I was like, we already have friends... However, I quickly realized that he was on to something. Being married can be isolating. Only other married people can really understand what you are going through. For those of you that live with your bf/gf/baby daddy/partner, and think it's just like being married.. WRONG! It's entirely different. It's something you won't understand, until you're married. So, I started to see what my hubby was talking about. My friends are awesome, but it just wasn't the same. We have since met some married friends that we go out with occasionally. My best friend is also married with 2 kids, so we hang out alot with them.
What do you guys think about the relationship between marriage and kids, and marriage and friends??
You hit the nail on the head! I've noticed that the friendships that I had and swore up and down that they would last forever also changed. I never really thought about it until some of our private discussions. It really is shocking to see the difference in your circle since having kids and the difference in your circle since becoming married. And I guess I can also associate it to the change in myself since becoming a mother. I realized that my entire world changed the minute Khristian was born (maybe even in pregnancy). All I wanted to do was be with him and make sure I missed absolutely nothing! Maybe that played a major role in friendships slowly separating and then leading to cordial greetings. I also miss being able to up and go when I speak to some of my friends who are single/without kids and want to go hang out at the last minute. I was just asking Dari the other day if he remembered when it was just he and I, because I can faintly remember it. As you already know, I got married before Khris came along so also learning and preparing to be a mother I had to learn and prepare how to be a wife. In the beginning it was just too much! I thought it was just going to be like living with my boyfriend except now we have this piece of paper....boy was I wrong! I can't just say "it's over" and go about my way as a single woman when we have a disagreement. Nope, we invest so much in our marriage and I don't think we realize how much we do until we slow down and think about it. We now have insurance together (health, life), we have bills, kids and so much more! I've learned and I am still learning that I am now a grown woman with a family to take care of and whether or not your old friends are there, life will continue to move forward and I have to roll with the punches. Glad that some of my friends that are still around understand that, double dating with a married couple (especially you wifey) is a awesome idea! We don't sit around talking about the kids and married life but if it does come up we can all sit and laugh at the things are kids say and do without anyone feeling awkward. Then, we can go back and reminisce about all of us a teenagers and see how we not only have grown as individuals but grown as now married couples with kids! Anyway, great posts so far....I'm loving each entry!
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I know right! When it was just me, and hubby..we traveled all of the time. Our money was our own. We had way less money than we do now, but we only had to account for ourselves. We have more money now, but 2 kids..so we're just as poor! It was a fun time for sure. It was nice to be selfish, and just think about myself. That's why I said this year, Im going to put myself first more. These kids will suck the life out of you if you let them.
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